


Gay & Married

by Vhanstiel (Wongvhan)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Comedy, Dean/Castiel shipper!Sam Winchester, Fluff, Horrified!Sam, Humor, I just love Sam, M/M, Schmoop, Smartass!Sam, drunk!Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-19
Packaged: 2017-11-24 03:40:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/629977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wongvhan/pseuds/Vhanstiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A conversation between Dean and Castiel Sam didn't ever want to hear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> To Magnolia whose support is kindest and loveliest.

"You guys are ready?" Sam asked as he flipped off his laptop. Everything they need to know about this case has been downloaded into Sam's personal CPU, his brain. The task should be simple - Get the information from as many people in this neighborhood as possible. Dean and Castiel are disguising as a gay married couple. Dean was okay with it, to Sam's surprise.

The problem is Castiel. Because he is Castiel, duh.

"When did we get married, Dean?" Leaning against the headboard, folding his legs on the bed, Castiel closed John's journal on his lap, and said with the usual serious tone.

Dean looked up from the pile of papers he was reading. "I'm sorry. What did you say?" Of course, Dean heard Castiel loud and clear. He just wasn't sure.

"When did we get married?" Castiel repeated again. "We need a background for this cover, don't we?"

Dean processed that for a second. It's true. Castiel sucked at being a normal human. It would be better if they set things first before went out and have Castiel say something like a burning sensation he once said long time ago.

Dean sighed. "Alright" He threw his hand up in defeat, and dropped himself on Sam's bed since Castiel was occupying his. Dean took a Cosmopolitan magazine on the nightstand and started to skim through it.

"We married on 24th January. My birthday. I should remember this one easily." Dean answered without looking up from the magazine.

"In what year?" Castiel frowned, dissatisfied of Dean's lack of details.

"2000" Dean answered quickly because he could not care less. But Sam was almost stopped breathing during this weird conversation. He side-eyed both Dean and Castiel, but none of them saw him.

Castiel let that sink in for a moment. "So, we have been married for 13 years then."

"That's right, sweetheart" Dean flipped another page.

That only make Castiel frowned harder "Do you always call me sweetheart?"

"Sure I do, cupcake." Another page flipped.

"And what do I call you?"

"Your pie"

"That seems suitable. Judging from your preference over this type of dessert" Castiel nodded.

"Damn right it does."

Sam looked back and forth between his brother and the angel. Castiel was fidgeting on the bed. This was not over yet.

"Dean… Pie."

"What is it, pumpkin?" Dean huffed softly, eyes still on the magazine. Whether he was pleased or annoyed, Sam could not tell.

"Who proposed?"

Sam swore his heart froze for a second. On the other hand, Dean just smiled to the magazine as casually as ever.

"You. You did. I would not go through all the trouble."

Castiel seemed to agree. "Fair enough. How did I do it?"

"How did you what?" Dean asked back, for the first time in this conversation, he looked at Castiel.

"How did I propose to you?" Castiel asked as if it was the most usual question.

Dean snorted. "Why don't you tell me, romeo?"

It was just a taunt. But as Castiel's eyes went down from Dean's face to his own hand, Sam could tell that this would be something to hear.

"Well then. I suppose it was a starry night on a beach in Thailand" Castiel started

"Whoa, Thailand? You'll really go through that much?" Dean whistled.

"You're worth it"

Dean held his breath for a second then Castiel kept on drawing them a story "There was no one on the beach. The sand was white enough in the moonlight that we could see anything. You were happy and content. I lost myself because you were so beautiful"

Castiel smiled "I got down on one knee even though I didn't even have a ring."

Dean dropped his breath.

"What did I say?" It felt like someone was squeezing Dean's heart. Maybe, it's Castiel.

The pair of blue eyes shone younger than ever. Castiel looked like he was actually a man in his 20s than an ageless angel inside a 37 years old vessel. Dean found himself staring into those eyes, and chained to them as well.

"You freaked out." Castiel said.

"I freaked out?"

"Yes"

"But why? I was in love with you, wasn't I?"

Sam's mouth hung open. Nobody cared. Castiel chuckled and kept on finishing his story "You said you were gonna propose. But I beat you to it"

"Oh."

"Oh." Castiel nodded. "It was the best night of my life"

If that wasn't enough, Dean said

"I guess it was mine too."

They let silence take over for a second before Sam decided to break it. "You guys realize that you are not actually gay and married?"

Without looking at Sam or breaking eye contact with Dean, Castiel answered solemnly "Of course we do, Sam. Don't ask stupid question"

That's it. Sam gave himself a bitchface, grabbed his coat and walked out of the room. He needed to book another room for tonight. There was no way he's staying with a gay married couple.

No. Way.


	2. Gay & Parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not expect so many people would like "Gay & Married". Neither did I plan for a sequel either. However, I hope this 'Gay' series will make you smile.

"I thought we ' _scarred you for life_ ' last time me and Cas pretended to be a couple." Dean couldn't help nagging at Sam's plan. Seriously. What's going on in that big head?

"I've changed my mind." Sam said like it was the smallest issue in the world and he could not care less if he tried. "Look. It's simple. All you need to do is going to this Open-house thing and look around the place. See if there's anything unusual."

"It's freaking huge for a school. That's unusual!" Dean complaint as he dropped himself on one of the bed. "These fancy schools are freakin' large, man."

Castiel, who was sitting against the headboard of the bed, pointed out solemnly, "That's why we need to survey the place first, Dean."

"I know, I know." Dean raised his hands in defeat.

"Look." Sam tried to wrap up the mission again. "It's an Open-house day. They welcome new rich parents who want to enroll their kids. You guys go in as a couple. Keep your eyes open. You don't even have to talk to anyone if you don't like."

"Fine." Dean sneered. His hands fumbled for the school brochures lying on the bed. He looked at them and snorted. "Like I want my kid wearing this thing anyway." He waved the ones with boys in a navy sweater, gray pants and a Scottish necktie. "Hideous."

Castiel stopped whatever he was doing and made a face at the statement. "Dean, the school of is one of the best institute in this country. If we were to have a child, I would want him to receive the best education."

Dean chuckled "My boy would kill himself if he had to wear one of this."

"I hardly see the significance of a uniform when their academic program is a second to none, Dean."

"So that he could what? Be a rocket scientist, Cas?"

"There's nothing wrong with the occupation."

"No. But I would want my boy to grow up healthily. The way he wants." Dean stood his ground.

Sam looked at Dean. Then at Castiel. Then at Dean. And Castiel again. This conversation was heading somewhere.

Castiel countered back. "Our boy could have both a healthy life and an excellent academic path."

Dean pointed out another issue "Yeah? He'll be surrounded by those rich spoiled brats!"

"Dean. I am an angel. I can find a way to support our child."

"You said it like I can't."

"It's our child, Dean."

"You know what? I'm not even gonna have a child with you if you think you can just mojo money out of thin air and lay everything on a silver platter to the kid."

 _What the hell?_ , Sam thought

Castiel looked hurt. "Why can't you believe that I am capable of raising a child with you?"

Dean stood up and turned around to face Castiel. "You can't even take care of yourself, Cas. How can you take care of our child!?"

"Has it ever occurred to you that I will try my best?" Castiel rose to his feet too. "If it were your child and mine, I would give him everything he needs and more."

"Cas…" Dean started to interrupt.

"And I also want him to have the best education human can offer." Castiel cut him before Dean could utter another word.

The ground shook and the bedside lamp flickered. Both Sam and Dean looked around the room 360 degree. Castiel seemed to grow and somehow, there was a shadow of a huge pair of wings behind him.

Dean was silent for a few seconds, then slowly said. "Cas, you realize we do not have a child, don't you?"

With no hesitation, Castiel answered "Yes, I do, Dean. And you can be sure we will not have any if you do not change your opinion on my parenting skill."

One of the lightbulbs in the room exploded and Castiel disappeared from the room. Dean was stunned to the spot when Sam picked up the shattered glass. Even after Sam's done, Dean was still nailed to where he stood with his jaw dropped.

Sam arched his brow and said "Man, you're whipped." He waited for a respond, to which he earned none. So, Sam had nothing to do but making the last remark before went back to his laptop

"Castiel would make a good father. Just so you know."

Dean groaned and left the room. He had an angel to talk to.

Fortunately, Castiel wasn't going anywhere but the Impala's back hood. Dean didn't like it when someone sat on his Baby but he made it an exception for Castiel. Dean sighed as he leaned his back on the car next to where Castiel sat. Dean wanted to say something, but he just could not find the right word or the right thing to say.

"I'm not a fool, Dean." It was Castiel who broke the silence first. "But I must apologize. That was an inappropriate thing to say."

Dean nodded "Apologies accepted." He put his hands in his pockets, fidgeting with his feet. "Not of nothing, Cas. I think you'd make a good parent."

That earned him a smile of the angel. "Thank you, Dean. You would be a great father too."

"Damn right I would." Dean grinned and turned to Castiel. "We'd be awesome gay parents, Cas."

And Castiel did that smile again. For a second, Dean understood why Jimmy was chosen as an angel's vessel - He lit up the whole dark parking lot.

"Let's get inside. It's freezing here." Dean stepped away from the car, and Castiel followed him. The angel flew out here, but he walked back with Dean. The latter liked it very much. He slung his arm around Castiel's shoulder and led him back to their room.

They still have a child to imagine, and Sam to traumatize.


	3. Gay & Cheating

"I've already called and made an appointment for you and Cas. You guys just show up and pretend to be a gay married couple. That's it." Riding shotgun seat, Sam shrugged like Dean and Castiel pretending to be a couple did not bother him one bit. Of course it didn't. Sam wasn't the one who had to keep up the pretense.

  
"Yeah, yeah. I get it. Still think the FBI method works better anyway." Dean shook his head. Eyes on the road. Brain's doing the maths because seriously, it seemed like Sam had developed a fetish over the Dean and Castiel's non-existant marriage lately. "Me and Cas. High school sweetheart. Married for 13 years. We run a bakery. Blah blah blah." Dean sighed before sparing a glance at his brother. "You wanna tell me why JD and Turk need to see a marriage counselor? What's the idea, Sasquatch?"  
  
Sam shrugged again, "I don't know. You cheated on him?"  
  
Dean stomped the brake and the car did a little drifted. Sam had a mini-heart attack. Anyway, Dean did not pull a stop. If anything, he just sped up. This time, he did not look so much at the road but pointing his finger at Sam's face. "How about a fucking NO?" Despite his tone, Sam could see clearly that Dean was mad. Not angry-mad. Kinda like crazy shithead-mad. "Seriously, Sammy. Come up with a better idea! You're supposed to be 'the brain' here."   
  
"I'm sorry, Dean. I just..." Sam threw up his hands in defeat but Dean did not give him a chance to apologize since he kept on rambling. 

"It's enough that now you'd have us hitched at every chance you get. Cas's cool with that. I'm cool with that." Dean spoke with his right hand all over the place instead of on the wheel. "But having me cheating on Cas? Sam. I would not do that to the guy."   
  
"Neither would I, Dean"  
  
A familiar grave voice suddenly came from the supposedly empty backseat. Dean hit the brake again and the Impala lapped to another lane before it got back on track.    
  
"Jesus Christ, Cas! Make a sound!"   
  
"I did." Castiel frowned.   
  
"He did." Sam seconded and turn to Castiel. "You heard us, right? We're investigating a weird serial murder here and the victims all had some connection with this counselor but we don't want to expose ourselves so I was thinking about sending you and Dean in..."  
  
"As a married couple." Castiel finished the sentence.  
  
Dean cussed under his breath. "Look. I understand if you don't want to do this."  
  
"I'm glad to be of use."   
  
"Good." Dean could not wait for the conversation to end.  
  
Which meant that it wasn't over for Castiel. Not yet.   
  
"You cheated on me."   
  
"What!? No!"   
  
"Dean, I appreciate the sentiment. But it is logical and believable." Castiel looked like he had Dean's personality analysed already. He had.   
  
For the third time, Sam shrugged.   
  
"Shut up, Sam", Dean barked.  
  
"I didn't say anything."  
  
"And  _that_  isn't anything?" Dean stopped Sam and looked at the rear mirror to meet Castiel's unyielding gaze. "Why the hell did you think like that?"  
  
"Why would I think otherwise?"  
  
"He's got a point, Dean. You're kinda a manwhore." Sam still sided with Castiel.  
  
"Hey, I quit that. And shut up." Dean countered.  
  
"But you still look for temporary lovers. I believe it's called 'Chasing tails'?'" Castiel pointed out.  
  
Dean sighed. "Dude, if we were actually married. Me checking out girls would not mean that I want to get in their pants."  
  
"You linger when talking to them." Castiel said as-a-matter-of- fact-ly.  
  
"It was for information. WORKS." Dean could not even keep his eyes on the road anymore. "Can't you give me a little credit here!? Hello. 13 years. Remember?"  
  
Sam just wanted to remind Dean that he and Castiel were not actually a gay couple, but he wasn't sure anymore.  
  
"13 Years and you might miss vaginas" With a perfect indifference, Castiel nodded.  
  
"What!?" Dean could not believe what he was hearing. He pulled over roughly and Sam almost crashed with the front console. He did not sit up straight, though. Just stayed bent and cover his ears. Dean, certain that his brother is okay, turned to face Castiel and said with more intensity than usual. "Now you listen to me, Honeybee."   
  
Dean inhaled and started. "I was a manwhore once. Fine. I am a manwhore. I admit it. I like pussy. Boobs are great and you have none. But you know what?" Dean paused. He did not blink even once. "I will never cheat on you. Not now. Not ever.  Not in this life or the one Sam made up. So, you or sasquatch here'd better find some other goddamned issue for our cover coz' I'm sure as hell not gonna be gay and cheating on you, Cas"   
  
Sam still curled in his own seat and the car dropped dead quiet at the statement.  
  
"What's that smile for?" Dean asked. Even though they were holding an eye contact, there was something about it that changed and Dean was smart enough not to think and just mentioned it out loud.  
  
The corner of Castiel's lip curved, and he looked ten years younger in that ugly beige trench coat "For what it's worth, Dean. It would be an honor being your husband." He said it with such confident and pride that radiated within the confined space of the Impala.  
  
Dean snorted but was unable to look away. "The honor would be mine too, Cas."  
  
Meanwhile, Sam had everything from 'honeybee' recorded. For blackmailing purpose, of course.

* * * * * 

 


	4. Gay & Wasted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may be a little OOC and not so much of humor than schmoop?. Forgive me. It's kinda hard keeping this 'conversational' and in the concept. Also, trying to add the overarching plot and development here. 
> 
> Anyway, I got an idea from one of the comments but I twisted it around. Thank you for this chapter.

Sam was done with cheering on his brother and Castiel as a couple. Apparently, Dean had something else going on in his mind.

There wasn't even the sound of the Impala when Dean opened the door and fell forward into the motel room. Alert, Sam shot up from his seat and rushed to his brother just to find out that Dean was completely drunk.

"Dude." Sam reached down to Dean who clumsily sought for something to level himself up. "How much did you drink?" Sam scrunched his nose. To Dean, alcohol equaled multivitamins. Still, Sam's brother was reeked of booze and cigarette. It's surprising that he could found the way back to their motel, seriously.

"Enough." Dean took Sam's hand and pulled himself up. Instead of staying away or at least standing on his own feet, Dean leaned on Sam's shoulder and gave the man a big tight hug. "I had a rough day, Sammy."

Sam was even more disgusted with Dean at the moment and raised his hand faraway from Dean as much as possible. "Uh... Dean?"

"Hmm?"

"Get off me."

"Relaxxxx." Dean patted Sam's shoulder but still backed off. He spun slowly on the spot once. Twice. Before deciding to take his place at the foot of Sam's bed. "I don't understand." Dean said out of the blue. "I mean..."

Dean paused for a moment as if he was thinking something really hard but also forgot that thing. After a moment, Dean blinked as if the light has been switched on and said. "Why do people assume that I'm gay?"

Sam wanted to laughed but he's in a foul mood for that, so Dean kept on talking. "I mean, yeah, I told them I'm gay but that doesn't mean that I'm gay."

"Huh." Sam hugged his chest. "You told people that you're gay?"

"I'm not gay. But that was not the point!" Dean swept his hand and the issue aside.

"Then what is?" Despite knowing better than to talk with a drunk man, Sam's curiosity won.

Dean pouted and threw another tantrum. "Just because I'm gay. And I'm not gay. Doesn't mean that I want to stick my dick in every gay's ass."

Sam confused and calculated what he's just heard. "I sent you to investigate a murder. What do three bodies have to do with gay?"

To his credit, Dean looked like he was trying to sober up and grabbed the very last piece of his consciousness before he told the story about how he went there to investigate the crime and there was this one girl tried to hit on him so he said that he's gay. Then the next thing he knew was that the girl tried to set him up with her gay brother for some 'big boy fun' and Dean thought that the guy had no 'hidden agenda' so he's kinda went along and had a drink or two or twenty or whatever before finally Dean was invited to the guy's place.

"I'm not a homophobe, man. I'm not. But this guy was coming on to me so hard that I had to tell him..." Dean burped.

"You tell him what?"

"I told him...Jesus Christ, Sam. Don't stand there and looking like that. You're more gay than that guy!"

"You said you aren't a homophobe. That includes sexism, Dean."

"Bitch."

"Jerk. What did you tell him?"

"I told him... I'm spoken for."

Dean nodded to himself like he's approving his own decision. Sam didn't know either to laugh or to cry. Unfortunately, Dean looked at him and hissed.

"EWWWW Sam, you freak. You thought I told people that I got the hots for you?"

A-ha, figured. "So you told him you're with Castiel?"

"I didn't exactly say his name. All I said was that I'm in a relationship with this guy."

"But you had Cas in mind when you said it."

"The guy wasn't even half as pretty as Cas"

"You do know you just called Cas 'pretty'?"

"I'm drunk. Not Drew Barrymore"

"What does Drew Barrymore have to do with this?"

"That movie... with.. what's his name? The egghead"

"Adam Sandler"

"Yeah, Adam whatever"

Then Dean turned quiet. Too quiet.

Sam was alarmed because THAT was not how normal people sleep and he could not stand how Dean smelled right now.

"Hey, hey. No sleeping here." Sam pulled Dean up and dragged his brother's I'm-gay-and-not-gay ass to the bathroom. He practically shoved Dean into the shower (Hey, what was that for!?), threw in a towel, left his brother and shut the door.

Twenty minutes later, the shower was still running and Dean was asleep under it.

'I'm 500% done' Sam thought to himself when he heard a familiar sound of wing fluttering in the room. Sam turned back and there he was. Castiel has materialized with his trench coat looking as dirty as always. Nevertheless, Sam was glad for his presence.

"Hello, Sam." Castiel nodded.

"Hey, Cas. If you want to see Dean, a little help here would be nice." Sam gestured to the bathroom and Castiel followed him inside. As expected, Castiel frowned at the sight of Dean almost drowning in a shower with his three layers of clothes on.

Castiel did not look any happier than Sam but he cradled Dean up into his arms and put him on the mattress. Sam almost stopped him but realized that Castiel had mojo-dried Dean already.

"Thanks, Cas." Sam said.

Castiel wiped his hands on a small towel. "You're welcome." He said gravely.

With the power Sam supposed was gay love, Dean woke up and was clutching the hem of Castiel's trench coat.

"Hey, fake husband"

Great. Dean was still completely drunk and now he's making a goo-goo eye Sam has never seen at Castiel.

"Hello, Dean."

To Sam's surprise, Castiel sat down beside Dean's pillow and covered Dean's hand with his. Sam didn't care if he might have a voyeurism at the moment. He just needed to see what would happen next.

Dean closed his eyes and leaned closer to Castiel's lap. "Today, a guy hit on me."

"Are you hurt, Dean?"

Dean chuckled softly and answered, "A guy wanted to get in my pants."

"Oh."

"Uh-huh"

Dean snuggled closer. "I told him that I'm seeing someone."

"Oh." Castiel looked deflated.

"I meant you, Angelcake."

"Ohhh..."

"I thought I'm the one who's drunk." Even half asleep - half drunk, Dean manged to smile. "Being your gay and wasted is nice." Dean's voice got drowsier and drowsier.

Castiel traced the line of Dean's hair softly. Sam didn't even think that Castiel remembered Sam in the room so, he crossed to the other side, grabbed his jacket and the Impala key, preparing to go out.

One last glance, Dean finally slid his head into Castiel's lap.

Sam shook his head. Dean was not gay for anyone but Castiel and Sam has already seen that one comin'. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't promise there'll be more of Gay Series. But the last one is set to be published on 14th February. Now, if you're happy and you know it, feedback is always appreciated and welcomed.


End file.
